Pseudonymous Ramblings by Psychobunny

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Okay, so I'm about to write something so totally personal that I might have to make this post go bye-bye later, but I have to get it off my chest, so here goes. And, just to clarify, it's nothing but a self-indulgent, whiny rant, so feel free to skip reading it if you want to.

You all know I don't date. But when anyone asks about it, I don't tell the complete truth about why. (And I'm still not going to, ha ha!) But lately I've been thinking a lot about it.

Why? The Friends got married, yes, but so have quite a few of my other friends, and still others are engaged, or having children (*cough*Michell!*cough*), or out there looking for someone. And where am I? Still refusing to date, still joking that I haven't yet outgrown my "boys are icky!" phase, still insisting that the only way I'll break my no-dating rule is for yummy Hugh Laurie. (Which is really not true. There are a select few men I know in real life for whom I would break the rule. One of them just broke up with his girlfriend, and a mutual friend told me he's been asking about me, which has also helped to put me in this reflective mood.)

The (partial) truth of why I don't date? I think relationships can ruin a lot, especially if you're a woman. I should know better than to rely on anecdotal evidence, but hey, it's my blog and I'll do what I want to. :)
My grandma, valedictorian of her class, got married and had children instead of going on to college. Now she's a janitor.
My three aunts, married in turn to a gambling addict, an abusive meth addict, and a drug dealer, all could have done better things with their lives.
My cousins, the closest thing I've ever had to siblings, have crappy lives in terms of what I value. I have four older cousins and four younger cousins, whom I will refer to by numbers. Cousins 7 and 8 are only 14 and 12 years old and are both male, plus I don't really know them that well, so I'll leave them out of the discussion.
Cousin 1 is the only one who, like me, has never been in a relationship. This is most likely because she has schizophrenia and is too paranoid to meet new people since they might be plotting to poison her. So, next case.
Cousin 2 married right out of high school and got pregnant almost immediately, after which her husband became abusive. They divorced and she met a new (also abusive) man, with whom she quickly had another child. She has dropped out of college twice. And she's still with man number two.
Cousin 3 has the fortunate distinction of having been born male. So when he and his girlfriend got pregnant while she was in college, she dropped out of school and moved home. He stayed in technical school, living hours away for several months after their child was born and leaving her to raise the baby herself for nearly six months. They stayed together, and she went back to school only to drop out again while pregnant with their second child. She still hasn't returned.
Cousin 4 has two children. She worked on getting an associates degree for several years while working two (and sometimes more) jobs and was one semester from finishing when she got pregnant with her first child. Six years after starting, she still doesn't have that degree.
Cousin 5, until recently a quiet, shy young woman, recently stopped pursuing her nursing degree and moved to Neighboring State with a guy she had known for maybe a month. She moved back home when he refused to stop using and dealing drugs, but she was home for all of two weeks before the stick turned blue. She finds out tomorrow whether or not she's pregnant for sure. And she's back living with him.
Cousin 6 was very smart and hardworking until she discovered the wonders of cute football players. Now I worry about her as her grades slip and the number of notches on her bedpost rises.

Don't get me wrong here, I love my cousins, I adore their children, and I think being a partner and a parent is a perfectly valid choice for a person to make. But I think you can see why I'm more than a little skeptical about having the ability to work at a relationship and an education simultaneously. I wish I could just say, "hey, forget about them, let's take The Friends as our role model instead!" But it's just not that easy.

I wear a ring on my left ring finger. It's a promise ring -- it signifies a promise to myself that I would let nothing stand in the way of my dreams of finishing my education and of getting to do research as an Actual Career! How exciting! I'm such a nerd. -- but I took it off to go to The Friends' wedding. I don't know why. I just felt like I didn't need it while I was there. And when I got home, I forgot about that ring for the first time in a very long time. I started feeling more optimistic about the situations of Cousins 5 and 6. I started to think about how happy The Friends are, to wonder about what I was missing and if I could balance it all the way they seem to do it. Then came the news about Cousin 5's move home, likely pregnancy, and move back. And I looked down at my left hand. And my ring finger felt naked, cold, and lonely without its constant companion. I went to my room, retrieved my ring, and slipped it on my finger, where it has not since left. But I don't remember it being quite this tight and constricting. Thanks a lot, Friends. :D

Labels: Lame excuses

posted by Psychobunny at 11:53 PM