"I Love Psychobunny"--the inaugural episode
[Opening music begins, tune of "I Love Lucy": da da DA da da da da DA/da da DA da da da da DA/DA DA DA DA DA DA DA...][Opens during Ciudad del Agua's first blizzard. Psychobunny and Guy Friday are eating dinner.]
[a knock at the door--Blonde Lady is on the other side]
Blonde Lady: Can you move your car out of the driveway? Landlord is really sick; I need to take her to the hospital, and I don't want to hit your car while I try to get around it.
Psychobunny: Of course! [leaves house, moves car to parking lot half a block away]
[Montage: Blonde Lady struggles to get Landlord's SUV out of the driveway, finally abandoning it on the sidewalk where it is stuck. Takes Landlord to hospital in her own car, conveniently parked on the street. Psychobunny and Guy Friday go back to eating dinner, and scene fades out.]
[The next morning in the parking lot]
Psychobunny [to herself]: Drat! Stupid lock is frozen shut. I really wish the passenger side door wasn't broken so I could get in from that side. Guess I'll walk to work today.
[walks back to the apartment, puts on several extra layers of clothing, and does a hilarious waddle to work, followed by a "working" montage, then repeats the waddle home at the end of the day]
[Back at the car, Psychobunny struggles with the door fruitlessly]
Psychobunny: Stupid frakkin' door! Do as I tell you! [looks in the window]
Psychobunny: Wait, the doors are all unlocked already?! F@&#! I must have accidentally left them open last night. Heavens to Buddha, am I stupid!
[Opens rear door from outside, leans in to open passenger door from inside, then scrapes off the car and drives it back to her space in the driveway, now conveniently cleared. Walks inside, waves hello to a now-fine, though morphine-addled, Landlord. Scene fades.]
[The next morning: Psychobunny drives Guy Friday to work, then heads to Walmart for some grocery shopping. "Shopping" montage ensues. Psychobunny walks to car, only to realize that the locks are frozen shut again. Only this time, she remembered to lock the car.]
Psychobunny: Crapperdoodles! [proceeds to fruitlessly use an entire can of lock deicer on the driver side door] Maybe if I can get in the trunk, I can kick that hatch in the backseat open. Then I could unlock the back door and get the doors open the same way I did before. And all without having to blow ninety bucks on calling an unlocking service! I Am Brilliant!
[Psychobunny proceeds to unload the majority of the contents of the trunk, mostly consisting of books and camping supplies left over from moving, into two carts, leaves the carts by the car (majorly pissing off Middle-Aged Walmart Cart Boy), then climbs into the trunk and begins kicking. After some time, a sharp crack is heard, and the entire backseat panel moves away from the inside of the car.]
Middle-Aged Walmart Cart Boy: Ma'am, are you finished with those carts yet?
Psychobunny: Does it look like I am? [laughs and smiles; Middle-Aged Walmart Cart Boy exits]
Psychobunny: Well, so I didn't open the hatch. So I broke the backseat instead. Big whoop. We never use it anyway. And I'm kinda desperate here.
[Scoots her fat butt to the edge of the trunk, lifts herself up with her arms, and exits the trunk. Then re-enters the trunk head first to try to unlock the door, but can't maintain enough pressure on the panel to keep it open, nor can she reach the lock with her hands. Exits the trunk again.]
Psychobunny: Well, I clearly had enough pressure when I was using my feet. So if I use one foot to keep it open, I bet I can get the lock with the toes on my other foot. My god, I am a Super-Genius.
[Climbs back into trunk, scooting further in this time because the door lock is way far forward on the door. Proceeds with her plan.]
Psychobunny: I can feel it... almost there... got it! Yeeeessssss!
[Then, in her excitement, the foot holding the pressure on the panel slips off, leaving Psychobunny's ankle on the other foot trapped.]
Psychobunny: Eeeeeeewwwwwww... maybe this wasn't the best idea after all.
[Tries to regain the pressure she had before, but gets her foot too close to the edge, trapping her toes instead.]
Psychobunny: F@&#ity F@&#ity F@&# F@&# F@&#! G*dd@mn c*cksucking motherf@&#!ng good for nothing "brilliant" plans of mine!
Middle-Aged Walmart Cart Boy [enters]: Stuck, huh? Are you done with those carts yet?
Psychobunny: NO!
[Calls Guy Friday at work]
Guy Friday: Baby, I'm not supposed to be on the phone while I'm at work.
Psychobunny: Baby, I'm in kinda a tight spot here. See, the door lock froze shut, and I couldn't get the door open, and I thought that maybe if I could get into the backseat through the trunk, I could get into the car, and, um, now I'm stuck in the trunk. So can you go look up an unlocking service for me and call me back?
Guy Friday: Yes, darling.
[Guy Friday goes to his Boss, explains the situation.]
Boss: How on earth did THAT happen?!
Guy Friday: I don't know. All I know is that when she gets home, she's got some 'splaining to do.
[Guy Friday calls all the unlocking services in Ciudad del Agua. None of the ones that are open are willing to deal with this particular can of worms. He proceeds to call 911, explaining the situation.]
911 Operator: Are you serious? Because misusing 911 is a crime, you know, sir.
Guy Friday: Look, I don't know how she managed it. All I know is she's very accident-prone. Can you please send someone to rescue her?
[911 Operator calls Psychobunny. She explains the situation, tells 911 Operator which row of the parking lot she's in, and stays on the phone until a lone officer arrives in a quiet car.]
Psychobunny [sheepishly, but smiling]: Hi.
Officer 1: [Mumbles into radio. Seconds later, two more officers show up with lights and sirens.]
Psychobunny: [greets other officers, then explains situation]. So if you could try the rear passenger door, I'm pretty sure it's unlocked.
Officer 2: Well, what do you know, it is! [smiles, opens door, pulls panel up, helps extricate Psychobunny's feet]
Officers 2 and 3: Ma'am, we're going to help you out of here. Are you ever going to do this again, ma'am?
Psychobunny: No, sir.
[Officers lift her out, help her open her car.]
Psychobunny: God, this is going to be the most embarrassing police report ever.
Officer 1: [smiles] Don't worry, ma'am. We don't have to file a report on this one.
Psychobunny: Thank you so much! You guys are the absolute best. Thanks for not laughing in front of me.
Officers: [smiling] No problem, ma'am. Just don't try it again. Get those doors fixed!
Psychobunny: I will! Thanks again!
[Officers get in their patrol vehicles and drive away.]
["The End" flashes across the screen.]
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Yes, this happened to me this morning. Yes, it's funny now. :)
posted by Psychobunny at
5:04 PM
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